Reap the benefits of a Trump victory by pampering yourself with services previously only enjoyed by “liberals” and “elites”. Are you sick and tired of doing your business only to find the toilet paper roll needs to be replaced? Or worse, finding that you are out of toilet paper completely?

You voted for Trump because you are mad that liberals and elites have access to services that are denied to you. It is time to show that they are no better than you.

Remember how the Clinton supporters were so smug and confident? You know the reason was that they always had toilet paper when they needed it. What did you have? A lot of anxiety and discomfort because you didn’t.

Well now through the insights and generosity of the Trump team, you can fix this and stick it those liberals. Think about it, now you can strut around confidently knowing that you have eliminated the risk of discomfort and embarrassment.

For a mere $100* a month, Trump services will ensure that your toilet paper holders are always full. For $150** a month we’ll even provide the toilet paper. And for those who really want to feel pampered by Trump, for a mere $500 a month we’ll even send someone over to wipe your ass!!!***

So be part of the MAGA revolution and sign up for a service that shows that “liberals” are no better than you are. Service will be available on January 21st, 2017.

* Customers need to provide access to the house. Toilet paper will be checked once a week.
** Customers must provide adequate storage for extra toilet paper. Service will guarantee 10 rolls a month.
*** 1 ass will be wiped every 2 days. Customer must provide 4 hour notice and be ready to “do their business” within 15 minutes of ass wiper’s arrival.

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Hey .. are you looking for work? The Pence team may have a great career opportunity for you. You can be guaranteed an income of $2000 a month and provide valuable services to those enrolled in the “Trump TP services program”. Stay tuned for important details.