Austin, TX, September 1, 2021. Many good people (Christians and non-Christians alike) awoke this morning to the startling news that Jesus Christ has resigned from his post as Our Lord And Savior. In making his announcement, OLJC said “I have had it with those Republicans in Texas who think they are better Christians than me, the one who they supposedly look up to.”
OLJC specifically criticized several “Christian Conservatives” serving in the Texas house and senate, as well as Texas governor Greg Abbot.
“These guys are nuts” claimed OLJC. “I mean, just look at the lapel pin that Lt Governor Dan Patrick wears. He calls himself a ‘principled conservative’. He’s just a principled dickhead. I don’t want any association with him.”
OLJC specifically singled out State Senator Bryan Hughes as “Dickhead #1”. It was Senator Hughes who authored Senate Bill 7 – the precursor to Senate Bill 1. SB1 was just passed during the Special Session. OLJC is pissed that supporters of SB1 used the non-issue of “election integrity” to make it harder for good people in disadvantaged communities to exercise their right to vote. OLJC stated “my life is about giving a voice to the disadvantaged. And here these assholes like Bryan Hughes are working to deprive disadvantaged people their voice UNDER MY NAME!!! What a moron!!!”.
OLJC is flabbergasted by the GOP’s support of the “Heartbeat Bill”. OLJC claimed “this bill is BULLSHIT!!! As your savior I am as pro life as anyone, but ‘life’ is a big concept, and these screwups only care about some nerve endings in a woman’s womb. And it is pushed by people who have the luxury of not even having a womb. Yeah .. these people are fuckups.”
OLJC was absolutely clear: Lt Governor Dan Patrick “is a complete piece of shit!!! I can’t believe that this hateful, spiteful opportunist calls himself a Christian. If I met him in person, I would castrate this son of a bitch.”
OLJC asked “How did this creep become governor? I mean, he is all about stoking hate and rage for his own benefit. How does that make him a Christian?” OLJC said he really wasn’t that surprised. “I mean it was this dickhead who bought into Jade Help 15 conspiracy.”